“Myself, I Am”

this morning I woke to rain
lazily beating on the rooftop
he wasn’t there
it’s not a surprise, really
he never is
though a bed warm with companionship
might be a nice change
my feelings are as pointless
as communicating them would be
though I’m certain you would say otherwise
and try to validate my existence
with a few kind words-
you misunderstand me, or I
misrepresent my pointed thought:

in this reality I am
employee #9
or a $34.69 purchase at 9 pm
slotted into a statistics sheet
I am the creeping sensation of doubt, and
the fear of disappointment
I am the aching bones crawling from bed
the weary, disingenuous smile
offered as consolation to every passerby
when I lack the energy for more
I am the cranky boss
the one you say just needs to get laid
as if coital union would save my soul
I am you, when you are alone

but this reality cares little
for my identity
my wants, my feelings
and today will be no different
denial isn’t healthy
only my reflection keeps me sane
an unchanging image to represent stability
supporting the mantainence of
a belief in self

© M. Black, 2017 All rights reserved.

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